I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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