Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
