If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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