absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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