oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
