I am midnight drunk by noon
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
