So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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