peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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