:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
