I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
