Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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