The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
