On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
where does the pee come out of this thing
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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