I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
