So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
