I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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