God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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