My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
