After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
the liver wants what the liver wants
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
