someone get that fucking seahorse.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
