All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
