Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
