just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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