chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Less talking, more tequila
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
