what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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