My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
