it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
