he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize