1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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