im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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