new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
