i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
