sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
