My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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