cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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