if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
