we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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