he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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