Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
