Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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