some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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