On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
