God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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