My sheets look like a crime scene.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
