In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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