Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
