Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just invented taco cereal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
