Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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