did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
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