i think my mom watched the whole time
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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