My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
