I'm gonna have a badass scar
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
