Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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