and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
