if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
organizing the empties. That sober.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
