I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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