I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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