he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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