Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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