Already got asked if we're dating
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
