Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize