i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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